Today is October 10th. It has been 3 years that Amanda took her life to make her internal pain go away. I am sure she did not have an inkling of the impact her death would make or how many people she would affect from the story she posted 5 weeks before her death. (Amanda’s You Tube Video)
I have sat here trying to compose my letter to Amanda. It’s now 2 a.m. I have lots to say but not sure how to say it. I have had an emotional week and Friday (although great) was mentally draining. Talking and thinking about Amanda brings up the bitterness of why she isn’t here and if I/we could have done more for her. Here is what I have so far and I will work on this letter to my daughter all weekend.
The photos and messages for LUP are coming in quickly. I can’t keep up but I have others to help me.
Dear Amanda (for 2015)
What can I ever say or do to ease the pain and hurt that flows through my body and my head? It’s been 3 long years (365 x 3) (365 x 24) and it hurts almost the same as it did that night of October 10th. You may not have known this but I hurt for you when all this started. Especially when you came to me telling me how much emotional pain you were in and you wanted to see a doctor.
Now as kids, the doctor was the last place that both you and your brother would ever want me to take you too.
I know that dying by suicide was never your true intent because you also went to the dentist a week before you died. I used to have to drag you there because you didn’t like the smell. And how the hygenist would always talk to you while she had things in your mouth. However, you did like the toys they gave you after. Remember the sticky hands that you would throw up at the ceiling. And it wouldn’t come down. I think that once, the sticky hand stayed on the ceiling of the elevator. Ugg but really funny. We got out of there really fast.
8:54 am (PST)
I just got out of bed and heard the bzzz of my iPhone starting at 4 am PST. Of course it was friends on the East coast starting their day. I am strengthened and amazed at all the support and well wishes I am getting from many that I have met (but not yet personally) in my travels. The photos are coming in as are the tweets on Twitter. As I sit here and type this on the Legacy website, the photo of Amanda on my right is staring me in the face. I can’t look at her right now or I will just keep crying. Honor her by watching her You Tube video and remember why we are speaking up.
To be continued …