To my friends in both my real and online world,
Merry Christmas to everyone and to those who have sent special messages. So many messages I have received in the past week and I have felt badly because I haven’t been able to answer each message like I would have liked to but it’s way to hard emotionally to do so right now.  The band-aid got kind of wet and started to peel away from the ‘ouch’.  I know (for real) that there are other parents out there going through the same kind of emotional upheaval right now and it doesn’t seem to matter if it is Christmas #1 or Christmas #12.
So, if there is no immediate reply from me, it’s not that I am ignoring you. It’s that I am struggling with what to say and my emotions. As I might have mentioned before, this is the 4th Christmas with Amanda gone. It feels just like the first one with the deep sighs and sadness. I personally am not feeling that it gets easier with each year going by because the loss is still there. It’s not about forgetting or getting over it. It’s about missing someone you loved. Yes certainly, we have other family that we love and care about. And we don’t love them any less. There is just a hole and a crack in the heart –> and all the crazy glue, sticky tape, duct tape or whatever else you might want to try won’t mend that heart totally. Now I know how Humpty Dumpty felt.
My day with my family was good.  I still miss Amanda being Santa Claus and handing out the presents.  Or her squealing over the new Justin Bieber CD or the new colours of nail polish.  Amanda always brought life and spirit into our days.  So instead, the kitten has the spirit that Amanda possessed.   Watching the kitten play with the paper and jump all over the plastic bags that made crunching noises.  But .. the kitten (I found out today) also likes to eat raw bacon and lick the chip dip bowl.  (I only turned around for a second.)  And —> I only misplaced one present this  year and it belonged to Charlee the terrier.  I will find his present eventually somewhere in the house.

Dear Amanda

Today you would have turned #19.  This was one of the anticipated birthdays you were looking forward to other than #16.  But it is sad to say (again) that you won’t ever experience it in the real world.  I often wonder what you would be like.  Would your spirit have been alive again if you hadn’t had that awful Thanksgiving weekend and that horrible experience you came home to tell me about.  If you had been able to sleep better that weekend.  If others had just left you alone.
During the 3 years since your death, I have been able to both meet and connect with many parents whose kids have also taken their lives or died by tragic means.  There is one mom in particular that I met for the first time in September.  We sat for a couple of hours, drank tea and  just talked about her daughter and you.  The one thing I have learned is that I am not alone in this journey.  Some define it as a horrific journey.  It can be.  But I am trying to make it as positive as I can.
As parents who have lost, we all share the common bond by feeling the same way and thinking the same thoughts.  Those thoughts include how much we miss you our kid(s).  I have to say that when you left this earth, a part of not only my heart but the hearts of others – some who had never known you – was taken and torn apart.  But where is the regeneration of parental spirit?  I have to shrug and say I am not sure.  As parents who have lost a child,  we walk the walk and talk the talk.  We put our energies into our surviving children if we can and gather support from others who are now in the #FAC group.
I want you to know Amanda, that you are leading me in this path of making differences.  You are also pulling complete strangers along in this journey also.  You have been added to 4 post secondary text books in the past 6 months for a total of about 9 texts.  There are musicians, poets, artists, theatre people, sports people (and many more) who you have inspired to make a shift in not only their thinking but of others.  Your story is synonymous with tragedies which unfortunately still occur.  But your story is also making people sit up and talk more with others who can help them — young people, young older people and much older people.
If you could see how the symbol of a snowflake has influenced others to think about both you and the cause, it would amaze you.  Your dream of one day being put in a position to be known has happened. I just wish you were here to see it.

It’s that time of year again ~~ almost Amanda’s birthday.  There are snowflakes in the forecast for November 26th. What if …
Clearly we remember the tradition of our household.  When Amanda was alive, it was important that we get the Christmas lights up before her actual birthday so that they could be turned on November 27th.  Mom would take Amanda out and because it turned dark early, when we pulled up to the house, someone was always home to turn on the switch.  That tradition is still going.  The lights to my house will be up and on the evening of November 27th.

I am asking anyone else who can also turn on their Christmas lights for November 27th, take a photo to let me know … all I can say is ‘Thank You’.  It is a gesture.  One that is filled with kindness, caring and compassion.  If you can’t do lights, then you can also light a candle ~~ for Amanda and for her mom.
This would have also been Amanda’s 19th birthday.  One of those special ones because in British Columbia, you are legally allowed to drink at 19.  I know she would have been looking forward to being able to walk in a pub, bar and/or nightclub and show her ID to prove she was of legal age.  We missed 16.  We missed 19.  (Painfully sad)

Amanda Todd (Nov 27, 1996 – Oct 10, 2012)

Today is October 10th.  It has been 3 years that Amanda took her life to make her internal pain go away.  I am sure she did not have an inkling of the impact her death would make or how many people she would affect from the story she posted 5 weeks before her death.  (Amanda’s You Tube Video)
I have sat here trying to compose my letter to Amanda.  It’s now 2 a.m.  I have lots to say but not sure how to say it.  I have had an emotional week and Friday (although great) was mentally draining.  Talking and thinking about Amanda brings up the bitterness of why she isn’t here and if I/we could have done more for her.   Here is what I have so far and I will work on this letter to my daughter all weekend.
The photos and messages for LUP are coming in quickly. I can’t keep up but I have others to help me.
Dear Amanda (for 2015)
What can I ever say or do to ease the pain and hurt that flows through my body and my head?  It’s been 3 long years (365 x 3) (365 x 24) and it hurts almost the same as it did that night of October 10th.  You may not have known this but I hurt for you when all this started.  Especially when you came to me telling me how much emotional pain you were in and you wanted to see a doctor.
Now as kids, the doctor was the last place that both you and your brother would ever want me to take you too.
I know that dying by suicide was never your true intent because you also went to the dentist a week before you died.  I used to have to drag you there because you didn’t like the smell.  And how the hygenist would always talk to you while she had things in your mouth.  However, you did like the toys they gave you after.  Remember the sticky hands that you would throw up at the ceiling.  And it wouldn’t come down.  I think that once, the sticky hand stayed on the ceiling of the elevator.  Ugg but really funny.  We got out of there really fast.
8:54 am (PST)
I just got out of bed and heard the bzzz of my iPhone starting at 4 am PST.  Of course it was friends on the East coast starting their day.  I am strengthened and amazed at all the support and well wishes I am getting from many that I have met (but not yet personally) in my travels.   The photos are coming in as are the tweets on Twitter.  As I sit here and type this on the Legacy website, the photo of Amanda on my right is staring me in the face.  I can’t look at her right now or I will just keep crying.  Honor her by watching her You Tube video and remember why we are speaking up.
To be continued …

What is a normal weekend?
Friday – I connected with my first employer ever. When I was 18 and going to university, I needed a summer job.  I saw an ad in one of newspapers and applied for it.  Got the interview. But then had to sit in a lobby for about an hour waiting for my interview to happen.  I think they forgot about me sitting there.  They did eventually remember I was there, interviewed me and I got the job.  It was a great five years. Selling concert tickets, meeting new friends and being able to work and attend different kinds of shows and sporting events around the city.  During this time of work, I became good friends with my employers. But as time passed, we lost touch.  Last week, I found them again living in Toronto.  Luckily I seem to travel there often.  Reconnecting has been wonderful and I can’t wait to catch up on the past 29 years.  How time flies and that ‘s why it is so important to keep up with people you know. If only an email or a FB message or a text saying ‘Hi, how are you doing?’
Saturday – I had to buy car insurance and went someplace local.  As I was sitting there waiting, the young lady noticed my nails with the snowflakes.  Then she probably recognized my last name.  She asked me how she could get a bracelet.  She also told me how she had followed Amanda’s story including the fact that she couldn’t wait to get out of high school and how after school, it was so much better for her.  I gave her a bracelet.  She wanted to pay for it and so she did.   She has a huge heart and told me that Amanda’s story had a big impact on her.
Sunday –  Going to Home Depot to look for flooring.  As I walked through the appliance section, a lady and her husband were looking for fridges.  She saw me and said out loud “I know you from somewhere”.   I just smiled like I usually do.  I could see that she was thinking really hard about where.  When it clicked in her brain, she asked if she could give me a hug.  And it was the biggest hug ever.  She told me that we were meant to meet.  I gave her a bracelet that she immediately put on.  She said that when she heard Amanda’s story on the news, she cried continuous tears.  We ended up talking in the aisle.  I shared with her to wear purple on October 10th and explained that it was World Mental Health Day as well as the same day that Amanda died.  She said she believed that some people are put on earth for a reason like an angel.  It reminded me of the conversation that I had with Shannon Turner from Prevention Violence of Canada who called Amanda ‘a tranformative angel’.  So true the more time passes …
Later on Sunday, I bumped into a young woman who is in her late twenties and who remembered me as a teacher from the elementary school she attended.  She now has a young child entering middle school and says that Amanda’s story has made her open up conversations with her daughter.  That is a good thing.  We talked about trust, communication and being non-judgemental about the things your kids tell you.  
Remember Amanda on October 10th.  Remember to wear purple. Remember to be creative with purple in some way, shape or form.  
All over Canada, places will be illuminated purple on October 10th. As well, people will be wearing purple and organizations will be sharing on their social media about World Mental Health Day.  www.lightuppurple.com 

Surprised … honoured … thankful… blessed!!!

Yes, I think Amanda would be proud of her mom.  When I look at the other 99 recognized recipients and their achievements, I think to myself “Wow”!  In my minds eye, I am just doing my job as a mom.
Over the past few weeks, I have spoken to many parents who have lost their child way too soon.  Some were to suicide, some to death by the hands of others.  These kids are now the voice of the silent.  Who can talk for them?  All of us.
http://educ.ubc.ca/alumni-supporters/year-of-alumni/educations-100/

I am at a loss for words at this time of year.  Kids are getting ready to go back to school.  The excitement of it all.  Amanda would have graduated last June and would have hopefully gone on to college to start working on a career. She wanted hair design and/or she wanted to do something with cooking.  All that is now a dream as sad as it is.  I do think that at times, I block out her death so I don’t have to think about it. Then reality hits when I see her photo and realize that the in real life, she is gone.
I stand both ‘proud and sad’ in keeping Amanda’s dream alive with the all the support and love of others. Without them, we could follow the ‘DREAM OF HELPING KIDS’.

Today started out as a simple kind of day, but with peaks and valleys.  About a month ago, I saw some chairs for my deck that I really really liked, but they were not within the $$ I wanted to spend.  So I left Home Depot sad but hopeful that these chairs would go on summer clearance.  Yesterday, I was in one of the Home Depots and saw that they were on sale but that store only had one left.  So I did some internet sleuthing and found out that another store had more of the same chairs.   Today was the day – to get my chairs.  I called the store to make sure that the chairs were there.  Then put them on hold and went there.  But … looking at the size of the box .. 85 lbs — only one would fit in my truck at a time.  Two trips.
It was a hot hot day here in Vancouver today.  When I drove into the parking lot, the security guard was catching some shade under the tree.  I saw him later pop into the store for a bottle of cold water.   When I went out with my first chair, I shared a joke with him that a cold slurpee would probably be perfect right about then.  He laughed and agreed.  Short part — drove home with my chair and decided to go back that afternoon to get the second one so Sunday would be a sort of free day.
I told the story of the security guard under the tree for some shade. Then the idea was given to me.  ‘Why don’t you bring him a slurpee?’  But what if he doesn’t like or can’t have sugar.  And then what flavour of slurpee?  Next idea.  Gift card to Timmy’s for an Ice Cap or Fruit smoothie or something.  Hmmm…..
As you all know me, ideas don’t have long to perculate in my head.  On my way back to Home Depot, I picked up some  $5 Timmy cards.   Giving them out for #kindness365 or #justbecause sounded like a good idea.
I got my second chair and the same Home Depot person was taking it out to the car for me.  I passed the security guard again.  Handed him the Timmy’s card.  He didn’t want to take it.  I insisted and said ‘It’s what I do’.  He then wondered what it was I did.  So I sort of told him about Amanda in 15 words or less and said that doing KIND acts was all part of her legacy.  All this time, the Home Depot person was listening and watching.  When the security person said to me ‘What’s the story?’, I saw the Home Depot person nod and say, ‘I remember that girl and her story’.  That’s when I said ‘Well, I’m her mom’.  Both gentlemen shook my hand and then a discussion started on bullying and how race and culture sometimes/often plays a role.  It was that AHA moment when you think, this is the coolest conversation to have randomly.  I am sure these two men probably didn’t have the same breaktimes to ever have a chat like this.
We walked away.  I gave them both bracelets.  The security guard person kept the Timmy’s card.  After loading up the second chair in my truck, I gave a second #JustBecause Timmy’s card away.  The Home Depot person left humbled and thanked me for telling Amanda’s story.  When I pulled out of the parking lot, I got big waves from the two men and they were still standing – under the shade tree – talking a bit longer.  I can only imagine what they were talking about.
I just bubbled telling the story when I got home.  Another two lives who now have a story to tell.  Question: Why do nice things?  The answer can only be …
#JustBecause      #Kindness365     #SayItWithSnowflakes   #BeKindAlltheTime

There are far too many families living this nightmare, with none of us ever imagining that we would always be left missing our children. Even harder on their angel-versary dates. Future birthday, school events, graduations, weddings, will all be missed. It would be great to be able to offer reassurances that in time, it all gets better but its so hard to predict what the future holds. All that can be said is to STAY STRONG and know that far to many are all suffering losses. Support and caring is important and it is hoped that by sharing tragic stories, it will convince others to reach out and get help. Awareness is what will help make the changes needed to improve our mental health systems and encourage and empower others to be kinder to each other and end all abuse and bullying. It is hoped that more people and the governments will read the messages and warnings and make the necessary changes to improve the mental health care systems.  As well, there needs to be more encouragement to empower everyone to be kinder and more respectful towards each other.  This in turn, will help to reduce and hopefully erase all abuse and bullying.

I never know what to expect from day to day.  Today I went to visit Ruth from  Floral and Hardy Edible Plants in Vancouver BC.  Ruth contacted me after a friend of hers told her about Amanda’s story.  We messaged back and forth and talked about a garden and what Amanda liked to eat and plant.  When my kids were young, they ate the staple veggies:  corn, carrots and potatoes.
Story: when they were young, I would sneak carrots, squash, beans, etc into their diet by buying the pureed baby food and putting it into the spaghetti sauce.
I had told Ruth that I would visit on Father’s Day.  It was a beautiful sunny day and Rob was out golfing with his buddies.  So I headed into Vancouver. Found the shop and was in awe of all the things I saw (and bought). Ruth and Brian are wonderful people and they gave me a lesson on what a carnivorous plant is.  What it eats? What it likes to drink?  Apparently it likes bottled water.  :)

We talked a while about mental health and the Vancouver East Side.  Knowing the history about that area is a good thing.
Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/FloralandHardyEdiblePlants?pnref=story 
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