Merry Christmas to everyone and to those who have sent special messages. So many messages I have received in the past week and I have felt badly because I haven’t been able to answer each message like I would have liked to but it’s way to hard emotionally to do so right now. The band-aid got kind of wet and started to peel away from the ‘ouch’. I know (for real) that there are other parents out there going through the same kind of emotional upheaval right now and it doesn’t seem to matter if it is Christmas #1 or Christmas #12.
So, if there is no immediate reply from me, it’s not that I am ignoring you. It’s that I am struggling with what to say and my emotions. As I might have mentioned before, this is the 4th Christmas with Amanda gone. It feels just like the first one with the deep sighs and sadness. I personally am not feeling that it gets easier with each year going by because the loss is still there. It’s not about forgetting or getting over it. It’s about missing someone you loved. Yes certainly, we have other family that we love and care about. And we don’t love them any less. There is just a hole and a crack in the heart –> and all the crazy glue, sticky tape, duct tape or whatever else you might want to try won’t mend that heart totally. Now I know how Humpty Dumpty felt.
My day with my family was good. I still miss Amanda being Santa Claus and handing out the presents. Or her squealing over the new Justin Bieber CD or the new colours of nail polish. Amanda always brought life and spirit into our days. So instead, the kitten has the spirit that Amanda possessed. Watching the kitten play with the paper and jump all over the plastic bags that made crunching noises. But .. the kitten (I found out today) also likes to eat raw bacon and lick the chip dip bowl. (I only turned around for a second.) And —> I only misplaced one present this year and it belonged to Charlee the terrier. I will find his present eventually somewhere in the house.